Class Five: Four Horseman of Bad Writing

Class Five:  September 11, 2012
Introduction to the Four Horseman of Bad Writing

After eliminating passive voice, there are FOUR words you should search for in your writing.  These words are “red flags” of stilted awkward sentences that can be re-written to be more precise, more direct, and more powerful.  These words are “it”, “in”, “of” and "have."   As with passive voice, you do not need to eliminate any mention of these three words - simply put - you should closely look at sentences with these words to see if it can be improved.

THE HORSEMAN CALLED “IT”

EXAMPLE ONE

BEFORE:

At this time in history, as nations watch and demand basic human rights for all citizens around the world, perhaps it is time for the GLBT people to demand the same.     

AFTER

As nations watch and demand basic human rights for all; the GLBT people will/should demand the same.

EXAMPLE TWO

BEFORE

Some thought it was a lit cigar, but it was actually a pipe bomb being hurled toward the police officers. 

AFTER

What some first thought was a lit cigar, turned out to be a pipe bomb hurled at the police officers.

EXAMPLE THREE

BEFORE

But the Amendment according to the supreme court was an on it face discrimination against a particular group of people and that it not only blatantly took away rights that had been gained by the gay  community but it also prohibited any new rights from being added. 

AFTER

The Supreme Court held that the Amendment facially discriminated against a particular group of people, not only blatantly taking away rights gained by the Gay Community, but prohibiting any further rights as well.

THE HORSEMAN CALLED”IN”

EXAMPLE ONE

BEFORE

It is like a roller coaster, especially in the last couple of decades the democrats and republicans have been rigorously fighting for political power in the state.

AFTER

It is like a roller coaster with the Democrats and Republicans have been rigorously fighting for state political power during the last couple of decades.

EXAMPLE TWO

BEFORE

Weld County has had an increase in population with a population growth of 40 percent over the past several  years and has a population density of 63 people per square mile (The 2012 Health Status Report, 2012, p.  2-8). 

AFTER

Weld County’s population grew 40 percent over the past several  years with a density of 63 people per square mile (The 2012 Health Status Report, 2012, p.  2-8).

EXAMPLE THREE

BEFORE

Statistics show that by the time of Indian independence the population still employed in small-scale enterprise was around six times that of factory establishments.

AFTER

By Indian Independence, statistics show small-scale enterprise employed six times the population compared to factory establishments.

THE HORSEMAN CALLED “OF”

EXAMPLE ONE

BEFORE

When studying the history of mankind there is at least one common factor from all eras, slavery.  Slavery has been a part of history as far as history has been recorded.  

AFTER

Throughout recorded history, there is at least one common factor from all eras - slavery.  

EXAMPLE TWO

BEFORE

With some help by his friends Solomon and his family got out of Africa with the rare pink diamond and fled to London were he sold it for 2.5 million to a middle man vender of a big diamond company

AFTER

With friends’ help, Solomon and his family fled Africa to London, where a middle man vendor for a big diamond company bought the rare pink diamond for 2.5 million (dollars)?

EXAMPLE THREE

BEFORE

One of the main causes of women’s dieting is the pictures of models they see in magazines on a daily basis. 

AFTER

Daily exposure to pictures of magazine models cause women to diet

THE HORSEMAN CALLED "HAVE/HAS"

EXAMPLE ONE

BEFORE

It is like a roller coaster, especially in the last couple of decades the democrats and republicans have been rigorously fighting for political power in the state.

AFTER

It is like a roller coaster with the Democrats and Republicans rigorously fighting for state political power during the last couple of decades.

EXAMPLE TWO

BEFORE

This quote exposes the need terrorist groups have for suicide terrorism. 

AFTER

This quotes exposes terrorist groups' need for suicide terrorism.

EXAMPLE THREE
BEFORE

 Overtime information has been revealed to help put a stop to this depressant that takes precious lives year after year. 

AFTER

 Overtime, the revelation of new information helped put a stop to this depressant that takes precious lives year after year.